It’s Valentine’s Day, a holiday cooked up by capitalism to take true love and stick it in the pressure cooker of expectations to see if it can withstand the heat without melting like some afterthought drugstore chocolates.
Judging by the fact that my husband has something else planned all night on the big day and he brought home a ramen pot and novelty butter knife for my birthday last month (I can’t make shit like this up), I’m going to guess that I need to satisfy myself this vday. And if you know anything about me and my tendencies, you know that only one thing can fill that consumerism-driven emotional void:
NC-17 fanfiction shopping for beauty products.
Here are the 5 things I’ll be eyeing and maybe buying when I’m nursing a
bottle of vodka Diet Coke and watching EXO fancams kdramas alone on Valentine’s Day.
Candy pink like your heart eyes in the early days of dating and supposedly packing a crazily strong acid wallop that can make your face feel as burned as your heart, DE’s Babyfacial is getting rave reviews, but like true love it comes at a steep price:
your freedom $80.
This teensy-tiny collection of eight shadows has fantastic reviews, it’s very portable, and the price isn’t so high that you’ll be brokenhearted if you hurl it at the wall and break it in a fit of romantic rage. The only bad thing is that, like your love, it’s current out of stock. Whomp whomp.
I’m never going to stop talking about the Hole Cleaner, seriously. And why should I when my husband leaves me alone on Valentine’s Day to contemplate the fact that our belly buttons are apparently filled with totally out-there bacteria. If he wanted less navel-gazing, he could have scheduled a romantic dinner.
Come In the Sun sunscreen [NSFW]
If this penis-shaped sunscreen is the only dick you’re getting on vday, prepare for disappointment: it’s only 30 SPF. I have no idea how to even buy this and the FAQs say that the cap comes off easily, so it’s the perfect metaphor for vday dick I’m not getting.
I’ve never shopped with Charis, have no idea what’s a reasonable expectation for these $20 Lucky Boxes, and am side-eyeing the promise that one buyer will win a free trip to Korea, but fuck it, it’s $20 and I’m curious. This is my best shot at getting lucky this vday.
Anywayyyyyyyyyy, I recommend some Sobieski vodka and the following fancam to help with this shopping expedition. Good luck, my valentines: shop like you love yourself. 😉
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