Since I started freelancing, I now get emails from PR people in my inbox. At this time of the year, many of them are about “gift roundups,” those lists of stuff to buy other people (lol, but actually yourself) for the holidays. The idea of writing such a list does not get me excited. Beauty products are so insanely personal and tricky that I can barely find anything that works for me even after quite a bit of pre-purchase research.
Thus, I present to you a sort of anti-gift roundup: terrible products that seem promising, but will passive aggressively signal to the recipient how much you don’t like them each time they give the product another chance.
Kbeauty Gift Ideas for People You Hate
Etude House Bubble Tea Sleeping Pack
Etude House managed to make a sleeping pack with great packaging and a cool-looking formula, but as I said in my review this spring, once it was on my face…it did just about nothing.
Perfect for: the good-looking ex you’re still friends with (WHYYYY) who failed to give the love and support you deserve.
Oozoo Face Injection Mask
Even if you’re not the most environmentally minded, this mask raises some concerns: the amount of packaging for one mask is considerable, and as I demonstrated in my review, the syringe isn’t even necessary for delivering useful ingredients.
Perfect for: your unnecessary younger sibling. Seriously, were you and the dog your parents ended up giving away later not enough?! (*COUGH* uhh, my brother MAY or may not be getting a box of Oozoo masks this year lol joke. heh)
Milky Dress Black Luster Mask
Right now, the most popular post on fanserviced-b is my review of this mask — and I hope it convinces people to back away from the $52, essential oil-loaded mess that turned my skin super pink and irritated. As I explained in a later article for Racked, these masks get used up quickly and are little more than moisturizers.
Perfect for: your irritating cousin who once locked you out of the house without a coat on Thanksgiving.
Dr.Oracle The Snow Queen Enzyme Powder Wash
I’ve never actually reviewed this product because I refuse to put it on my face. It’s a fairly high-pH cleanser that contains baking soda (sodium bicarbonate). I’ll pause here to allow you some time for screaming. Yes, your face might end up feeling smooth after using this, but…that’s because baking soda does that and also WTF WE DON’T PUT BAKING SODA ON SKIN!
Perfect for: the smooth motherfucker at the office that everyone loves, but you know is stealing from the petty cash.
Mizon Dust Clean Up Peeling Toner
This toner was developed by Mizon to replace the cult AHA BHA Daily Clean Toner, but…omg, NO. I found it so loaded with alcohol that I tried to set it on fire in my review. Luckily this story has a happy ending: the beloved AHA BHA toner is back in production.
Perfect for: that friend who once got so drunk they knocked over a candle on you.
Lador Hydro LPP Treatment (new version)
See that gorgeous, thick egg yolk-y blob of conditioner in the photo? Yeah, that glorious formulation that I reviewed earlier this year is no more.
Replacing it is some watery, drugstore bottom-shelf version that has appeared unannounced. I have 13 tubes of the shitty new formulation. 13. TUBES. Which I bought while under the impression that an emerging brand like Lador would stick to, you know, what worked. Instead, loads of people now have unannounced repackage versions that smell kind of chlorine-ish to me.
Perfect for: the friend who has changed in all the wrong ways.